It has been over two months since my last post. When we decided to start this blog I figured it would be easy to maintain, after all, my mind never stops racing about where the next step will lead on this journey. I have started a few posts since but just never seem to finish them. Sometimes I get distracted and other times I just don’t know how to express my thoughts into words. I think i’ve said it before but I have never really been much of a writer but I think this would classify as “writer’s block.”
So for now, I figure something is better than nothing. There isn’t much thought or emotion to this post but here’s to hoping this helps pull me back in and I can start to use this blog for what it’s for, sharing our journey through infertility and IVF so that one day, maybe I can help someone get through it the way others have helped me.
It started to snow a little today. It’s cold and the roads are icy. Winter is on it’s way. But I’m not ready for it. I usually look forward to this time of year. I love the first snow and chilly days. I love to bundle up and drink hot cocoa. Not this year, not yet.
It took me a few days to figure out why I wasn’t ready for this but it hit me today when we were headed in to work. I imagined I would be pregnant by now. I imagined at Thanksgiving or Christmas telling our extended families that we were expecting. I imagined a baby bump starting to grow and I even imagined I would wake up one of these mornings running to the bathroom with morning sickness.
The reality is that Tanya and I are not going to experience any of those things I imagined this winter. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life goes on whether we are ready or not. So now what? I guess I’ll put on a happy face and make the best of it. I may even have a glass of wine or two while watching that first snow fall or enjoying our holiday dinner. It is the time of year we are supposed to be especially thankful for what we have, not dwell on what we don’t.
I am thankful. Thankful I am overall healthy and thankful I have a house to go home to at night. Thankful for the most amazing partner anyone could possibly ask for and most of all thankful that our journey through infertility and IVF is not over. We plan on trying again in January and that will be here before we know it.
When I started this blog two months ago, I thought that it was going to be a quick process. I even decided not to blog about it because I figured it wouldn’t matter, in 6 weeks we would be pregnant anyway. Besides, we aren’t the experts at this and maybe we wouldn’t be able to help others anyway. Long story short, a few weeks of shots and other meds, frequent visits to the drs for blood work and ultrasounds and then retrieval and transfer, piece of cake. We’d wait out my two weeks which was technically only 9 days from the day of my transfer for my beta (blood test), PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).
I wish it was really that simple. The experts all say that there is no true way to know if the process worked until the beta results came back, but I knew. I knew 4 days into my 2ww that it didn’t work. Everyone says “stay positive” but a woman knows her body. Sure enough, the night before my beta I received my very unwelcomed monthly visitor. Talk about heartbreak. I wanted so bad to be wrong. I wanted so bad to misinterpret the signs that I know all too well. Why didn’t it work? What did I do wrong? Where do we go from here? It wasn’t my IVF cycle that failed, it was me. I failed.
I failed to carry a baby. I failed Tanya. I failed my friends and family that were so proud and excited for me. I could go on and on about it but when I look back on the past week and this entire journey thus far, I realize I didn’t fail anyone. I’m not a failure! I will over come this. I will succeed. If it takes a year or if it takes five years, I know it will happen. I deserve this and I’m a fighter. We are fighters and we refuse to give up on this.